THE THERAPEUTIC POWER OF OPEN DIALOGUE AND ATTENTIVE LISTENING
- Vinny
- Sep 12, 2020
- 5 min read
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
What are the essential elements of walking alongside with others
Some people may think it is difficult to know how to help a person whom they love and care for, when he/she is undergoing a distressing or frightening event.
Have you ever questioning about why, somehow even though you have tried your best to support and offer many advices to the person who is experiencing trauma, or undergoing a life crisis with the painful experience, but still cannot make him/her feels better? It seems like the pain still there with the individual without getting over it! So how shall we walk along with our loved one?
There may have different reasons behind. But I believe one of the main reasons is, the times and spaces you have given to that individual is not sufficient for him/her to touch and understand his/her feelings and thought.
It is a matter of fact that if we do not create enough space for others and invite them to speak in their language with their own pace, it would be difficult for them to connect with their inner voices, as well as to let their voices come out. Thus, attentive listening and containment are the key factors to invite and maintain rooms for each voice, and to create the joint conversation with others.
Walking alongside with myself
If we do not know how to walk along with ourselves genuinely with self-compassion, it would be difficult, and almost impossible for us to know how to contain other feelings without having the fear of losing control of the situations; as well as tolerating the fear of uncertainty. The more we can give allowance for ourselves, the better we can believe the simple marking of the recovery moment would be on the way of becoming.
Living under the fast pace of life in our modern society, we used to set the destination wherever we go, we seldom slow down our paces and allow ourselves to have times and spaces to wandering along the path without knowing where we go. However, if we do not slow down a bit, go with the flow of our heart, and listen to our inner voices, we can hardly connect with our mind, our heart and our brain; in return, we would gradually losing our sense of knowing and feeling our awareness as well as for others.
In fact, through feeling our bodies, connecting with nature and people, opening up our senses, all can create the inner harmony within us, and bring benefit for our relationship with others.
Strength of Collaborative Conversations
When we walk along with our loved ones, just the way as we genuinely walk along with ourselves with self-compassion; instead of keeps on analyzing and hypothesizing their problems as if we know it better than they do; we hold the not-knowing stance, treat them as the expert of their lives, and willing to walk with them to find the alternative and new ways of viewing their problem, without judging or making assumption on any solution based on our own experience and knowledge; then our unconditional acceptance and compassion, our active listening, non-judgmental attitude, emotional attunement, all can create the openness interaction on dialogue and the joint deliberation in between you and the individuals that you walk along with, which can make a big difference for us to form a deeper connection with them.
The power of language
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-ND
Humans are inherently relational, the way we learn, we perceive ourselves and the world is through language. Human are born with the needs to draw closer, join and being with some important individuals. Our mental representation, our biological and psychological development are affected by the mutual emotional attunement and attachment with our care-givers through daily interactive communication (Seikkula & Trimble, 2005).
Thus, our languages have the power and impact on every of us. Languages can shape and re-shape us psychologically, mentally, and biologically.
The conceptualization of Open Dialogue is to create such dialogical moments by using our self-being, our knowledge and skill to offer the unconditional respect, honest, transparency, to turn another person’s monologue into collaborative dialogue, to increase self and joint understanding; to find words for not-yet-said, as well as to create the new meanings with others. Thus, the inner transformation may take place under such process (Anderson & Gehart, 2007).
I would like to name this dialogue as “Love Dialogue”, as I believe the spirits of collaborative dialogue is the attitude of unconditional love, respect and acceptance; and dialogue would have no meaning without the essence of love and respect.
The process of change and transformation
Hence, when individuals feel someone is walking along with them, their inner voices are being recognized and reflected, can help them to touch with their deep feelings; and to discover the missing pieces of puzzles inside their storylines that they may not recognized in the past.
The Open Dialogue and collaborative conversation can help an individual mind slowly open to various possibilities with different directions. An individual may discover his/her missing strength and resources through joint storytelling process. The dynamics of the relationship and environment can rebuild an individual’s knowing, sensing and acting. Eventually change may emerged on an individual that he/she will perceive and react to the same situation differently. An individual gets to know how to open himself/herself into different possibilities and directions, which generative new meanings for his/her life.
In other words, change or transformation, consists of both elements of knowing and feelings of our awareness. We need the consciousness of knowledge, to understand how do our relationship, and our experience induce change. We also need the feelings of our being, the feelings of being existed, being respect, being listened and being loved by others. We may discover a transformation is taking place somewhere inside us unconsciously, and observe how it captures our attentions, affect our feelings and thought.
Messages of walking along with the ones that you love
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Thus, when you walk with someone who is having emotional distress, who is experiencing trauma; remember to provide space to him/her and show your willingness to listen. To give enough space and times for the person to talk about what he/she wants to talk, without judging or making any assumption for his/her problem is crucial. It would be great if you can adopt the “not knowing stance”, and believe that every individual has the best knowledge for his/her life, although the knowledge of life details may be blocked by the overwhelming situations, that he/she may be stuck in the situations for the moment.
However, through the dynamic of relationship, with the unconditional acceptance and attentive listening, the open dialogue, all can help an individual’s mind slowly open to the new alternative and various possibilities, to dissolve the problems, to find the new meaning, knowing, sensing and acting that, one might already have holds be emerged, and to construct the new perspective to look into the problems, so as to find the way out of the distress feelings.
Nevertheless, before you know how to walk with someone you care, you may need to learn how to feel and walk along with yourself, so that you understand more how to apply the same on the one you care.
Remember that unless we can have the good differentiation and integration for ourselves, it would be difficult for us to have the healthy connection with others.
References:
All images are from Bing
Anderson, H., & Gehart, D. R. (2007). Collaborative therapy: relationships and conversations that make a difference. New York: Routledge.
Seikkula, J., & Trimble, D. (2005). Healing elements of therapeutic conversation: Dialogue as an embodiment of love. Family Process, 44(4), 461-475
Siegel, D.J., & Hartzell, M. (2017). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. New York: Perigee Books.
Wheel of Awareness (n.d.). Retrieved September 06, 2020, from http://m.drdansiegel.com/resources/wheel_of_awareness/
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